A Mother's Priorities in the Dating World, concl.page 2
The adjectives, “top,” “first,” and “only,” in regard
to a woman’s priority are factually suspect if the words are to be understood in
their most restrictive sense. The act of having written the personals profile
and the nightly or weekly searching for compatible profiles provides an ironic
contradiction to the adjectives. They are inexact for what I hope is the sake of
brevity in a personals profile, because I know that priorities change based on
situational factors. Though I know about these situational conditions, I wonder
if a mother understands that her priorities aren’t absolutes when she says her
children come first. Further, I wonder how I can convince her that dinner with
me should become her new first priority, at least for one evening.
I’m discouraged from making contact with online
dating mothers who prioritize their children. Will I always be low man on the
totem pole? Will my needs forever take a backseat to those of a woman’s
children? Will I ever rise in this mother’s estimation to become as special to
her as her children are, at the same priority level or above?
Does the concept, priority one, allow for concurrent
objects at the same priority level? No, but no one on Internet dating sites
really expects that profile posters will let accurate definitions derail their
marketing efforts.
If I’m interested in starting a family, mothers have
already had the experience of child rearing and are less interested in starting
another family with a new man. Will the child she has with me become even more
important to her than I am?
Maybe mothers state the children-priority rule only
to demonstrate that they have a strong allegiance to their children. Maybe the
statement is pre-emptive, a way of controlling the duration of the date, making
their dating partners aware that they have the built-in excuse that they have to
get home to their kids. It could be an example of hyperbole, exaggerating for
effect, to test the willingness of potential dating partners to schedule around
the needs of her children. Maybe these mothers want to demonstrate that they
have the admirable capacity to care deeply and protect those whom they love.
Again, I wonder if I will ever get into that priority
club. Is there a platinum priority card I can apply for?
Kid-blocked again. The children-priority statement is
an indication that the mother will allow her children to be an impediment to her
own enjoyment of other pursuits. It’s hard enough to compete with men who are
willing to lie about their acceptance of a mother’s priorities just to get into
her mom-jeans–but to also compete with children for a mother’s attention is
daunting.
If my hobbies are a priority and I indicate that I’m
available only for booty calls, would a mother who says her children are her
priority understand? Will she see that what she’s asking for–that a guy
willingly become a second class option for her–is comparable in essence to a guy
who places his non-relationship hobbies above dating?
“My kids are my priority” is a statement that says
“I’ll use you as long as it suits me, if you can entertain me enough, if you pay
for a babysitter and my children’s affections.”
I’m not on an Internet dating site for a woman’s
occasional distraction, to entertain her, to be at her whim when her kids are
finally in bed.
Rather than make demands that only desperate men will
tolerate, such in-your-face liberated mothers need to understand, as mothers
have traditionally understood, that their “baggage” means that they are the ones
who must make concessions (see Equity Theory). In dating parlance, these women
might be closet breeders who expect men to take care of their children, and men
are suspicious of these women, with good reason.
Even men who are perfectly willing to accept a
mother’s kids as part of her package deal want to see positive signals that the
mother has enough love to include him as a personal priority in her life, that
tell him he’s moving up in her priority status. Lacking these signals, but still
in possession of his balls, a man will leave the woman who won’t commit to him,
kicking off a familiar and vicious cycle of psychodrama that reinforces in the
woman the attitude that men don’t understand what it means to be a mother.
Bottom line: If you’re too busy with your kids to upgrade your priorities, you’re not really available to date. Get off the dating site.