Staying Emotionally Balanced and HealthyPosted on 07/05/2010
We all feel moments of disorientation, disconnection, flailing emotionally. A number of therapies exist to help people work through their numbness, their paralysis of inaction, their trepidation, their fears, their irrational thinking, their obsessive behaviors, their negative thoughts. What works for me might not work for you, because what works for me comes with 51 years of experience with who I am. In totality, what works for me won't work for others, but tricks taken individually, that feel right for you, might help you regain your emotional stability.
When Others are in PainPosted on 07/05/2010
When those you care about are hurting emotionally, allow them to own their own feelings; let them take responsibility for their own feelings and don’t try to negate those feelings or paint a rosy future in which time has healed wounds. Emotions and the human condition are so complicated that people caught up in them can’t possibly know why their hurt is so strong or why a specific situation caused them to react with such inner hurt and thoughts of disastrous finality. Those in pain aren’t able to see the irrationality of their thinking, their cognitive shutdown. But don’t walk around on eggshells for fear of adding to others' emotional pain, which you as an outsider can never fully know or understand. Their pain is not yours, so don’t pretend that it is.
A Mother's Chosen Priorities in the Dating WorldPosted on 01/17/2011
Mothers often say their children are their first,
main, top, and only priority. Though our continuous, long-term priorities
persist, our immediate priorities change with the situation. About to wreck her
car, a mother’s priority is to steer and brake to avoid a power line pole. Her
role quickly changes from protective mother to defensive driver.
Urgent situations force us to change our priorities.
It’s the procrastination-worthy situations that remind us that we choose what’s
important to us. Motherhood doesn’t automatically choose for a woman that her
children are her first priority, and we have only to remember all of the women,
and most notably Susan Smith, for whom children weren’t a mother’s first
priority. We have only to review the records all of the children removed from
homes because mothers cared first and foremost about their next fix. For every
child given up for adoption, the mother’s first priority is her own welfare. For
every fetus aborted, the expectant mother chose some other goal as her priority.
I’m an adult. I’m childless, so the full-on,
18-year-long child-rearing instinct is foreign to me. But as an adult, I know
that adult needs supersede a kid’s needs, at least now and then in that 18-year
stretch. It is a lie to say that a child is only, always, and continuously one’s
first priority. And it’s a lie most of us can live with because we understand
the lie as an ideal, a state of mind that occasionally interrupts our thoughts
while we’re doing other things to earn a living, or while we’re having adult fun
with our friends, or when we’re just about ready to drift off to sleep.
If a mother can’t pay the rent, her ass is out on the
street, along with her kids. Getting a job then takes precedence, and the kids
will have to look after themselves or be palmed off on a relative.
Sometimes, the kids have to be told to go out and
play while mom knocks off a piece with dad; dad gives a priority-service smile.
We like to think that our children are our number-1
priority, if we want to see ourselves as good parents. Idealistically,
everything we do should be for their sake. But if we can’t earn a living to
provide shelter for our kids, somebody from Children’s Services makes our kids
their number-4593 and -4594 priorities. There’s a lot of wiggle room between how
people prioritize getting kids squared away.
Children should never be made a priority. Their
interests are petty compared to the stresses adults endure, and their care is at
the convenience of adults. Realistically, children should never be given special
treatment or be placed on a pedestal. Their needs are secondary to the needs of
their parents, and they must conform their behavior to suit the needs of their
parents.
It’s just a fact that parents have lives to lead, and
children are a part of their lives, but not their entire lives. I’m busy with a
variety of personal interests. One of my interests is finding a compatible woman
to date and settle down with in a loving relationship. I meet women at work and
at places I go for entertainment. I’m also a member of several Internet dating
sites, and in the interest of efficiency, I’ve developed a process of
eliminating female dating candidates based on their key demographics, their
physical appearance, and their stated needs. Most women say they’re not looking
for sex from cheating, one-track-mind, deadbeat, drug-addled, married men.
Duh.
I haven’t made online socializing a priority, but
I’ve read enough personals profiles to become adept at analyzing the way women
describe themselves, their demands, and their interests. I also keep in mind
every point of data that women selectively omit from their profiles, which can
reveal galaxies about a profile poster’s priorities.
When I see the bold, blunt phrase, “my children are
my priority,” I wonder what the real commitment level is to that priority. What
are the chances that I can change the profile poster’s priorities with my
inestimable, irresistible charms? What are the chances that I can become a
priority in a mother’s life? Is the mother’s real first priority to find a man
with a job who wouldn’t mind letting her and her children siphon off a few of
his dollars. She is, after all, looking for a man, a time-consuming task that
diverts time from playing with her children or cleaning away their snot bubbles.
A common saying in dating profile headlines is,
“Don’t make someone a priority who makes you an option.” My response for mothers
who write that dates must be willing to love and care for their children is,
“Don’t make a mother a priority who makes you a babysitter.”
When I see the “my children are my priority” line, I
wonder if the woman has any other interests that don’t involve a colorful
plastic ball pit or a bouncy castle or coaching pee wee soccer games. Are her
interests so narrow that we’ll have too little in common? Is her stated goal
that I take a backseat to her children at cross-purposes with mine to start a
healthy, adult-activity-based dating life with her, which requires that she
schedule enough time to be with me and learn if our relationship has a chance of
surviving?
Is motherhood the only interest in an online mother’s
life? The realistic answer is, no. Motherhood is a role, just as shopper,
employee, and gym rat are roles. Fatherhood comes with a set of interests that
mesh with motherhood, which doesn’t make the subject of what was packed in Jr.’s
school lunch any less boring.
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